“Tumble out of bed, stumble to the kitchen, pour yourself a cup of ambition…”

And there it is.

Pour yourself a cup of ambition. Caffeine. That is what has been missing.

For years I lived on adrenaline, fast-paced noise, and yes, plenty of caffeine. Now that I have given up caffeine, my brain is trying to quiet down. I am not feeling lethargic. I am not worn out. I am just slower.

And honestly, I am not sure what to make of it.

Most of my life I have been full throttle, going for launch. That served me well for a long time. It helped me work, solve problems, take care of people, and keep moving forward.

But maybe, just maybe, that speed is not what I need these days.

I am in those so-called senior years, although that means something different to everyone. Some people say it begins in your seventies. Some say it begins in your late forties or early fifties. I am somewhere in the middle at 64, just one year away from Medicare.

I am still working, and I work nights. Three nights a week, usually 12- to 13-hour shifts. It can be grueling, and it can be fantastic, sometimes in the same hour.

The problem with working nights is that your circadian rhythm takes a hit.

Speaking of rhythm, there is another rhythm that sometimes decides to join the conversation. The heart.

Age, illness, lack of sleep, and a few other things can all affect it. In my case, my heart likes to stay busy. It cannot seem to make up its mind. Sometimes it wants to be supraventricular rhythm, sometimes atrial fibrillation, sometimes atrial flutter.

It does not happen to everyone, but apparently I won the cardiac lottery.

Yeah, me.

Recently I went to see my electrophysiologist, and she suggested that maybe I should slow down on the coffee.

Now this is a woman who knows me pretty well, so I could not exactly say, “Excuse me, I only drink two cups a day.”

The honest answer is that when she sees me in the hallway at work, she might see me twice a day without another cup of coffee in my hand.

Confession time.

Yes, I knew better.

Maybe two pots a day.

Hey, I was trying to increase my water intake, and my buddy Roy has done his best to encourage me to drink more water. But yeah, I ignored him.

For about 40 years I have been running full throttle. And it was never just the coffee. I am not going to blame everything on my caffeine habit.

I am just an all-or-nothing kind of person.

Whether it was seeing clients, writing policies, teaching, or writing articles, I moved forward rapidly. Waiting was not something I was particularly good at.

That may sound like I knew exactly what I was doing. That I was driven and focused.

But there was something following behind me, trying to keep up.

I think I know what it was.

Me.

Maybe I was trying to escape myself.

We do not always want to face ourselves. I did not want to face the fact that I am not perfect. That I am aging. That I have missed birthdays. That there are bills waiting. That there are things I cannot fix.

Sometimes I did not even want to face me.

Then something changed.

I stopped caffeine.

None.

Nada.

Zilch.

And something amazing happened.

My foot came off the gas pedal.

I dropped into a lower gear.

The roar of the engine started to quiet down.

For a little while, I wondered if something was wrong. I wondered if this was it. Was this the big wind-down before the end?

That was honestly the thought that crossed my mind.

But it was not.

I woke up one morning after sleeping eight full hours, maybe even a little more. No waking up during the night with thoughts racing through my head.

No, “I need to write this down.”

No, “I need to call the night staff and remind them about something.”

I woke up thinking about one thing.

Turn off the CPAP machine.

I got up, went to the bathroom, washed my hands and face, and then I heard it.

“Hey.”

I looked up and saw myself in the mirror.

“We need to talk.”

I looked around and thought, “Okay, I may finally be losing it.”

But no, my reflection was not talking to me. It was my own thoughts.

We are slowing down.

And you know what?

It is okay.

I finished washing my face and stood there for a moment.

A few minutes later, I left the bathroom and sat down on the bed.

All I could think about was the quiet.

My thoughts were no longer tiny mice running around the room, darting in and out of cracks, doors, and closets.

This was different.

I know this sounds silly, but the day before, I had to change a password. Thirty seconds later, I could not remember it.

And now it was clear in my mind.

Of course, I am not going to tell you what that password was because I already learned that lesson. Time to change it again.

I got up, picked out my jeans and a T-shirt, and got dressed slowly.

Not because I had to.

Because I could.

I grabbed my socks and started putting them on. That was when a song came back to me.

“Here we go again,” I thought.

But not this time.

It was Roberta Flack.

What an amazing voice.

Quiet. Rich. Full of soul.

Exactly what my mind needed in that moment.

I put on my sneakers and headed to the kitchen. I made a single cup of decaf coffee and sat down.

That was monumental for me.

I sat there with my coffee and did nothing.

I thought about times past. I thought about what I was doing that day.

Then it hit me.

The grandkids were moving today.

I picked up my phone, texted my daughter, and decided I needed to go visit them.

The kiddos.

Except they are not really kiddos anymore.

They are 17, 14, and 7.

Not so little.

And suddenly I realized something.

I had missed parts of their lives because I thought I had to stay busy.

Something needed to change.

And it did.

No grand design.

No epic transformation.

No dramatic moment with thunder and lightning.

I simply slowed down.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Well, gang, that is all for now.

I am going to go spend some time with my grandson. He is seven years old, and I think I need him right now.

Take care of yourself.

And remember, it is okay to slow down just a little.